Okay so this is more of a 'brain dump' post more than anything else but ~hopefully~ it will have some depth and clarity within so you don't doze off mid paragraph.
I've been thinking a lot about life lately, I'm 20 years old and depending on the mood of your parents that's either OMG I should have my shit together right this instant or it's cool lets go travel we've got loads of time to settle down.
I'm very confused at the moment, I know I want to be a writer and to be paid for my work, I know I want to continue living with Shane and I know I want to experience different things in life without being tied down to things.
BUT then I see my friends, one has moved away with her boyfriend and are doing well (i'm v. happy for them btw) and another has just popped out an actual, real life human being (which I still find weird because we are still 15 in my head.) My cousin has just BOUGHT her first house with her fiancé and is getting married next year - bear in mind she's younger than me.
So comparing my life to all these stereotypical life events, it makes me feel less than, it makes me feel like a child,
and I'm not a child. I'm a grown ass woman. I don't know whether it's because in my head I don't think I am, or because I still have a child-like face, but no one seems to recognise that I am not a child and still ends up treating me like one. Comparing these conventional life events to my own life is damaging yet reassuring; I get down because in this society you have to have the house milestone, the great career milestone and the marriage milestone to show you're an adult and are successfully adulting in the big bad world - if you've not achieved these things then apparently you're doing it wrong.
But then I think deeper into it and remind myself that I don't want those things. I don't want to be tied down with a house right now, I don't want to get married - I know I love Shane, everyone else knows I love Shane, I don't need a piece of paper proving it.
Many family members want what's best for me, and I am truly grateful and spread all the love within my heart out to them for caring so much, but sometimes I think people fail to realise what they think is best isn't necessarily what I think is best for MYSELF. Just because I haven't bought my own house, had a little spawn of satan or got hitched, doesn't mean I am not happy and I am not kickin' ass in life.
I may just work in an arcade, I don't have a fancy job that makes me feel important, but working where I do gave me the chance to meet fantastic people, it gives me freedom and security. My days on are pretty much equal to my days off, giving me the chance and freedom to spend quality time with myself and those whom I love. It gives me security that I can pay my bills, treat myself AND still have money to save. It may not look like I've done or am doing much with my life because I'm not checking off the shit I'm supposed to in my 20's, I mean I still can't drive a car (probably for the best tbf.)
Life doesn't come with a check list that you have to complete to prove your time on earth isn't completely useless and wasted.
It's okay to 'go against the grain', it's okay to not have your conventional shit together because you're too busy pursuing what your soul wants rather than what society wants. It's okay to stick your finger up to Andrew down the road who tuts at you when you walk past because you're challenging his reality by living life the way you want, instead of how you've been told or taught to.
I am twenty years old and it's perfectly okay to strut down the high street thinking I've got this shit one day then the next staring into abyss thinking "what. the. fuck. am. I. doing?!?!?"
Everyone lives different lives, and I want to live for me.
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